How to be an Ideal Host: A Primer

Earlier this year I shared some key pointers on how to make yourself an absolute treat of a guest in someone’s home. Allow me now to educate you on how to be the best host possible.

When you have someone coming to stay for a few days, first you must set the stage. Make sure your Hoover is broken beyond repair. Then shave your dog in the living room. After you’re done fluff-plucking to make the carpet somewhat presentable, it is time to clean the bare floors, which is when you remember the broom supply-chain fail last fall. (Seriously. When I arrived in October, there were no long-handled brooms in the four stores I looked in (Tesco, Lidl, and the only two hardware stores I knew of in town at that point). They explained that they couldn’t get any; the supply chain was held up due to COVID/Brexit. Really.) So for the first months here, I kept my floors clean with a combination of hand whisk & dustpan, followed by the hardwood extension on the vacuum, then mopping. Worked a charm, so I never did get a full-sized broom. But you’re seeing where this is going, aren’t you? No Hoover – dirtier floors. Also, be sure to wash your sandy dog in the shower. Okay, stage set, let’s go.

An ideal host has activities for her guests. One activity is vacuuming. Her first week in your house (which remember, hasn’t seen a vacuum in at least 3 weeks), buy a new vacuum, preferably heavier than the old one, assemble it, and take it into the bedroom. As you tackle the carpet in there, be sure to complain long and loud about how hard and heavy it is. Then, when your guest offers to do the living room carpet for you, mumble a faint, “oh no, you don’t have to”, then sit down at your desk and surf the net while she struggles with the heavy mower vacuum on a well trampled, well dirtied carpet. It’s fun.

Be sure to spend lots of time wiping the kitchen counter, and going online to check the weather – it sends the message that you are very busy looking after your guest’s comfort. Hopefully that will prompt her to, entirely of her own volition, lift out and clean your truly, truly disgusting sand & hair filled shower trap. Don’t tell her about the Marigolds (yellow rubber gloves in the UK are called Marigolds) under the kitchen sink until she’s almost done. And don’t stop her – she’s having fun. (Honestly, it was the grossest thing I’ve ever seen and I once had a baby throw up on me as I was changing his extremely full diaper. Just sayin’.)

Now, if you really want to go above and beyond as a host, every time your dog comes up to you to be petted, nudge her towards your guest who is reading quietly on the sofa. And be sure to position grooming tools just within your guest’s reach, allowing her to work out all those matted clumps behind your dog’s ears. It’s the least you can do.

For those of you planning on visiting me, you will see I go out of my way to be the ideal host and make my guests’ holidays more special – can’t wait to welcome you here!