As soon as you arrive at your hosts’ house, if you are instructed to park in the driveway, back your car into a low brick wall (hopefully no one will see you and you can just say nothing). Next, announce to the world that you found the single lane, winding country roads that were the last 30 minutes of your 8 hour journey much too stressful and force your cousin to do all subsequent driving during the week, including drop-offs and pick-ups at the train station when you take off for the day, leaving your dog in their charge.
This is your next opportunity to be a special guest: let your cousin tour you all over the countryside, while you leave walking your dog every day to her husband, who also is expected to scoop her poop while you’re wandering the gardens of Chartwell, or the beach at Whitstable.
But the best way to show your appreciation of someone’s hospitality is to get sick. Take yourself off to the city for a day of self-indulgence, and then return with a bout of food-poisoning and spend that night lying on their bathroom floor. Once you have commandeered said bathroom, spend the next day lying on their sofa, being handed cups of tea and plates of dry toast.
Now, a truly ideal guest will take it one step further (this next step is not easy, and is really only for the truly dedicated houseguests) – time your ailment slightly later in your stay. This ensures that on the last day, the day you were going to treat the family to dinner, either with your classic homemade beef & beer stew, or by ordering in a Thai dinner, that you are too wan and tired to do either and your host is forced to make tomato soup and sandwiches on your last evening.
As you may have gathered, this week, I was truly An Ideal Guest.
P.S. – Joking aside, our holiday was wonderful. That was for one reason and one reason only – my cousin and her family were the Ideal Hosts. Totally. Thank you to VJ &AJ, FJ & IJ, and to Hector, for making Scout and me feel so very welcome and giving us a delightful week in beautiful (and surprisingly sunny) Kent.
Elaine, I may reconsider inviting you to our cottage!
It was my first time meeting most of these people. Oh dear.